Commonwealth reinstates witch burning

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A fantastic article from the Castlemaine Independent!

By Andrew McKenna

In a shock move from Canberra, the Federal Government today reinstated witch burning as punishment for certain crimes. But a spokeswoman for Health Minister Nicola Roxon reassured the community that there was nothing to be unduly concerned about.

‘This new legislation – The Witch Burning Act 2010 – is clearly aimed at midwives,’ she said.

‘And for women who persistently use or support midwives. For the average Australian, doing the right thing, going to the proper places to have their babies, having a cesarian section when doctors deem it necessary, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.’

The Australian Council for Civil Liberties reacted strongly to the new laws.

‘This is a return – literally – to the Medieval era,’ a spokesperson said.

‘Even midwives should not be treated like this.’

The leader of the Opposition, Tony Abbott, made no comment about the new legislation, but he is believed to have advised the Government during the drafting process.

The Government and the Health Minister have reportedly hunkered down after a storm of protest which followed the first burning, believed to have taken place near Brisbane.

‘This may seem archaic,’ the government spokeswoman said.

‘But there were plenty of good things about the Middle Ages. Women are just getting too much power over their own bodies, and the Medieval church was prepared to put a stop to that. So is this government. We’ve been elected to do the right thing.

Go on, hit that little thing! (Welcome it into this world of violence, bright lights and hanging upside down.) We have to teach them what’s good for them. Stirrups, forceps, on their back, bright lights

‘We’ve made it almost impossible for midwives to operate. We’ve poured scorn and opprobrium on them. We’ve made statistics say what we want them to say. We’ve outcast midwives from the system. Yet some Australian women persist in choosing the midwifery option! We have to teach them what’s good for them. Stirrups, forceps, on their back, bright lights, and of course the scalpel option. This government is contemplating new legislation to make Cesarians compulsory for every woman.

‘That will fix their little red wagon for them.’

Melissa Maimann, Essential Birth Consulting 0400 418 448